An Ode to the Father of my Dreams and the one of my Flesh

An Ode to the Father of my Dreams and the one of my Flesh

It’s funny how the memories we have of someone don’t aways match up to real life or at least not the way other people see life or themselves or each other. After my father passed, I began looking through old photos of him, to remember and feel I still had a piece of him around, but the man I saw in those photos was not the same as the image I held in my mind and I wondered as time passes and he is gone for longer and longer from my physical world if the image in my mind would mold to that of photographs or continue to be something different. So on this Father’s day I wish to lay down what I remember of him now and the lessons he taught me in life. Perhaps they will stay the same or perhaps they will change as my own life changes.

My father was not a perfect man, as none of us are. Some have called him a golden boy, others a playboy, some saw him as a teacher and others a sportsman, some knew him for his love of drinking and dancing and some for the quiet solitude he found in nature and the peace of his country home. My earliest memories of him are at that country home when I was just a wee child wandering through the magic of the world, embraced by the love of those around me. I remember him in many ways; with his hands deep in the soil of the gardens or behind a chainsaw or hammer, waxing our skis in the early hours of the morning preparing to take us small children out to explore the stillness of the rising sun on prairie snow, dancing in the living room carefree with so much joy and sitting on the couch with him late at night when he had returned from work. These early memories are imprinted upon my memory almost like a dream, a dream of the father I knew I once had. But in any life these things change and the majority of our shared lives together he fell short of this dream. I now know that he did what he knew to do with his own experiences and imprinting. We are all a product of our raising and our cultures and though my dad was a markedly sensitive man there was no platform for him to learn to embrace this, except for time and the many lessons his life presented him with.

His life lessons did lead him to embrace and honour that sensitive man more thoroughly and I am so grateful that the last five years of his life came so much closer to the first five of mine. Despite all the pain and hurt, conditioning and hiding, we were able to connect and find joy in our shared experiences. This was the time that I truly got to know my father and the dream turned into a reality and this is what I wish to carry on in my heart and share with my children when they ask of their grandfather.

  1. Be Gracious, Thoughtful and Kind – while he was in hospital just a few weeks before he passed I asked him what his guiding principle of life was. After shaking his head at another probing question and some quiet reflection this is what he came up with. Though I know this was an ideal and he did not always live up to it, in so many ways he did. Throughout the challenges of losing his job, going to court and then to jail and finally his illness, he managed to be so gracious, thoughtful and kind. He would help others when they needed it and constantly was on the look out for making someone’s work easier or more efficient. Every day that I visited him in hospital he would thank me for being there and helping him. For the first time since I was little I felt validated by my father.

2. Connect with Everyone- my father was a very social man. He loved people and could easily connect with them and learn about their lives in the time they spent together. In the hospital he knew all of this nurses, doctors and aides names and stories. When I was young I remember one day driving down the highway and he stopped to pick up a First Nations man, loaded up with bags and a scruffy appearance my father innately trusted this man and welcomed him into our vehicle. I initially felt uneasy by the appearance of this man, but as my father broke out into conversation with this man, I remembered that we are all humans playing this game of life and we each have so much to offer no matter how we look, what we say or where we come from.

3. To be smooth- Anyone who knew my father would have heard him say “be smooth” and this was something he truly embodied. Sometimes it seemed phoney to me like he wasn’t dealing with his shit and sometimes I am sure it was. But he had this way about him of keeping going with a smile on his face no matter what happened; injuries, job losses, separations or accusations. In the last two days of this life he even managed to conserve his energy and each time a new visitor came by he would muster up some strength and smile at their presence. He remained smooth till the end.

4. To take care of myself- My father like his father was a man who knew how to survive; camping in the backcountry, building houses and furniture, fixing old things. dealing with emergencies, he knew how to be self-reliant and throughout my life he instilled this in me in two ways. The first by teaching me these many skills when I was a child and the second by not being present as a father when I was coming of age and so I learned to find my own way.

5. Enjoy the good things in life- Bobby loved things, beautiful, well made, high class, delicious, food, wine, beer, cars, sports equipment, stereos,…. He loved it all and he definitely left all of his kids with a sweet tooth for nice things, but also an appreciation for caring for your stuff. He instilled in me that if you buy well made goods and took care of them, then they would last you a life time and your mind and body would be happier for the beauty that surrounded you and the nourishment that you provided it.

These are the things that sit with me now in my mind and heart as the memories of my father. They may change and perhaps more will come with time, but they are true now and in moving through my grief, writing this has truly helped me connect, reflect and convolesce. Thank you to those who take the time to read this, may it move you to reflect and perhaps inspire you to heal your own grief. And most of all thank you to my father who helped to bring me into this world and share these many memories and lessons over our lives together.

New Moon Solar Eclipse in Pisces


march-solar-eclipse-astrologyPisces calls to our highest selves, the part of us that knows we are divine manifestations and from this place asks of us to be of service to the greatest good of all beings in this universe. Being the last sign before the coming spring and rebirth of Aries, Pisces holds in it the wisdom of a full lived life and the intuition and imagination of one who has seen all things come to pass. In conjunction with Chiron (the wounded healer) We are given a chance to look at our woundings with the most compassionate and loving eyes and from this place transform our stories and become empowered by them. Realizing we are the makers of our own fate, we can remember that we chose this path and it has made us who we are today. Through taking back our power and no longer playing the victims in our lives we can heal ourselves and share this wisdom of our empowerment.

I have shared my own story here on my dear friend Jenn’s blog, please give it a read and in honour of this powerful time I wish to offer you a ritual to work with your own empowerment. I will be offering these rituals each month, one for the new moon and one for the full moon, to help us all move into greater connection with spirit.

 

Find a quiet place, cleanse it, light a candle and call in your guides and helpers.

 

Grounding- tree exercise- asking for wisdom from the sun, moon, and chiron

 

write down the story of your wounding or a story that you hold that you are a victim to at the moment.

 

Reread it and focus on the feelings, energies and impressions you get from it.

 

Reflect on how this story has helped to strengthen you and make you who you are today

 

Now take your story and thank spirit for the lessons you have learned and burn it in the flames of your candle feeling the energy of it dissolve.

 

Rewrite the story from a place of gratitude and power, focusing on the strength you have gained and the lessons you have learned

 

Place your new story on your altar or in a special place where you can see it throughout your day until the full moon.

 

Thank your guides, spirit and helpers and blow out your candle, clearing the space again.

Birthday Wisdom

I find myself sitting here exactly 40 mins before the moment I was born 34 years ago, filled with so much love and appreciation for my life.  This is a far cry from where I found myself five days ago when I was feeling pretty down right shitty about my birthday. I normally really love my birthday, in fact I usually celebrate a whole birth week, filled with dinners, dancing, ceremony, shopping and some kind of healing. This year however being in a new-ish place with new friendships budding, I felt an incredible loneliness in not having my tried and true friends who know me inside out nearby to celebrate with me in the ways that they know I love. The idea of having to invite these new people in my life to my birthday seemed insanely daunting. The immense fear of rejection weighing upon my heart.

In mulling these feelings over I came to the realization that I needed to be able to celebrate me on my own and honour the fact that I am a person worthy of celebrating and that others want to celebrate me too. And as I sit here nearing the end of the day and the exact time of my birth, I realize just how supported and loved I am and how spirit has once again reminded me that I am a divine being and am always cared for. Not only did I receive calls, texts and facebook messages but in sharing my feelings around this birthday, those newly budding friends have stepped into full friend mode and shown me that they care and wish to spend this day celebrating with me. This whole week has been a powerful reminder of how the fears I have only exist within me and that I am the one doing the disservice to myself and all those I come in contact with when I do not share my whole self.

So this year I wish to see myself as spirit does and all those who love me do, as I was reminded today by the beautiful words shared with me. I thank you all so much for this reminder and being apart of my life.

I love you all!!!! Happy Birthday to me!IMG_1023

Pin It on Pinterest

Sign up for Elemental Spirit Medicine Updates

Receive inspiration and connection through Shamanism, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Ritual, Birth, and Wild Food.

You have Successfully Subscribed!